I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
