Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
