So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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