Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
