I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
