Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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