I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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