I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
