I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
