Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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