I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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