i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
