I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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