I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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