Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
