I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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