true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
