How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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