bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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