It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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