Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
