i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
