haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
