Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
