I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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