I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
