I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The uberlube is also flammable
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
