Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
P.S. I can't hear my feet
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
