if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
