Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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