if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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