Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It was confusing and full of hummus
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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