He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
