the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm gonna fight the coyote
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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