you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Randomize
