I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
