you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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