fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
