Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
