Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
