On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
