the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
