Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
