First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
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Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
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This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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