I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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