i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you inspire me to be a worse person
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
