i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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