Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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