dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
