Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
