pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
