Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
