It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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