I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
