Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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