1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
