I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
