Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
